Tonight was a hard night at bible study.  Although I had a really good day, the instant I sat down at bible study, I felt nervous.  I wasn't sure why but I figured it had something to do with what Kate asked us to do.  She had little pieces of paper on the table and we were supposed to write down what our idol was that we were struggling with and then we were going to discuss them as a group.  I immediately felt the nervous sweat start pouring.  Everyone was going to know my idol? Everyone?   Now, for those of you that may read my others posts, you might be thinking that I am the biggest idiot in the world.  Last week I just wrote about what my idol was.  I wrote about how it was Facebook and the amount of time I spend on it.  Well, I think the Lord was trying to get through my thick skull that I had made 4 steps forward and then slipped on some mud today. I had slipped back into checking facebook 27 times today (maybe a slight exaggeration).  If I could tell the world what my idol was, why couldn't I write it down?  Why couldn't I take the step forward and profess publicly what I am dealing with.  We weren't required to write down our names, we only had to put our idol.  No one in the group would even know that it was me.
Well, my friends, I don't see you wonderful faces out here in blog-land.  I don't see the laughter, smiles, or discontent with something you read.  I don't have to see what you think about my posts.  If you like them, you might make a comment, but other than that, I have no knowledge of what people think about it.  But the idea of publicly announcing that something as silly and seemingly innocent is an idol in front of a bunch of women that see me every week scared the heck out of me.  I was literally sitting there with pen in hand, trying to write the words "social network" on to that little scrap of blue paper.  I couldn't do it.  I wrote "envy" instead and acted like that was the big one (but trust me, I have many envious moments).  I couldn't believe it, and I still can't.  I can't believe that I was put to a test and I absolutely failed.  I failed to trust that God had put me in a safe situation with women who understood and would not judge.  I failed to have unfailing faith in my Lord.  I was/am so disappointed.
Some might think that this is a small moment in a day, a moment that is insignificant.  It, however, showed me how much of my life I still try to control.  It showed me that I have many more idols than just Facebook and envy.

Psalm 25:1-3

1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; 2 in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. 3 No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.