As many of you know, I have been going to a bible study called "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. Let me just say that this is one of the most fantastic bible studies I have ever done. Not only does it incorporate stories from the Bible that I have only glanced over, but asks thought provoking questions that make you look at yourself and go,"DOH!"
Last week was a crazy week and I was unable to do any of the reading. Feeling bad, I really thought that I would just skip the Monday night meeting and get caught back up the next week. I had to stop by the church to grab something and stopped off to talk with someone about an incident. I had every intention to go home, put on my pj's and start into a full out "woe is me" pity party due to a previous conversation. (I will not delve into the details of said conversation) I decided to call a friend, a Godly woman who always helps me to sort my feelings out and get down to the bottom of it all. She answered and must have known my silent plan. She told me to meet her for dinner and then we could go to Bible study together. Well... that was not in my plan. I said sure, planned to meet her at Panera Bread and quickly took a u-turn.
As I sat there waiting for her, I thought about why I was having a pity party. I had tried to tell someone something that I felt was important to only be set aside for phone calls and other interruptions. Although these interruptions were not foreseen, it made me feel that what I wanted to say was not going to be heard. How dare someone not listen to me! I mean, doesn't everyone know that the world revolves around me? I thought I had sent that memo out when I was born??
All kidding aside, the bottom line was that I got my feelings hurt and up went the wall. The wall of "ME, ME, ME" So, as I sat there eating my delicious creamy tomato soup, I started to talk to my friend. I told her what happened and how hurt I was because I was not being listened to and MY feelings were not being validated like I thought they should be. And yes, my friends, it was at this point that I realized how incredibly whiney I sounded. She kept looking at me and smiled, took a slurp of soup and then took a breath. "That, my friend, is Satan, whispering in your ear that YOU deserve better than this, THEY are taking advantage of YOU, don't they know who YOU are and how much YOU help out?" I didn't want to admit it but I knew she was right. "It is not about you, it is not about them, it is not about anything other than GOD!" she explained. "You need to figure out why you are doing this and why you feel like you shouldn't be anymore. Write them down, explain it to the party involved and most importantly PRAY." I told her that I had felt like all I had done was whined about the situation and that wasn't my intention. "You, Miranda, are the only one that truly knows in your heart if you are whining about it, or it really is something that you feel you do not need to do anymore."
As I sat there listening to her tell me of times she struggled and asking me questions about life, she asked me what else was going on. I looked at her quizzically and then thought about what she meant. See, like most women, I cannot compartmentalize. I cannot look at one situation, turn it off and go to the next situation with a clear mind. I look at one situation, get my emotions going and then go to the next situation with my emotions in tow, leaving me looking like a bag lady.
She gave me great wisdom and truths...all of which I knew in my heart. The big question I have? How do I get my head in sync with my heart? For you see, I have never had a time in my life that I did not know the Lord. I have always known He loved me and I have loved HIM. I was raised in a christian home and did not have the "Come to Jesus" meeting like many testimonies I have heard. I have had 28 years of HIM in my life. So, I sometimes get frustrated with myself when I seem to let these truths that I hold dear to my heart slip from my head and let the lies and untruths cram up there.
Cut to next scene: BIBLE STUDY
I walked into bible study now really not feeling it and slightly embarrassed that I had to be reminded of the many truths that were talked about over soup and salads. I did not want to be there. I was dreaming of my soft pajamas and warm bed. I found the nearest chair and sat down. Holly, one of the facilitators opened with an activity where we had to take a letter of the alphabet, think of a word that describes God, and go through the whole alphabet, using the words we thought of as a prayer. Honestly, I wanted to get up and leave, because with the thought of this activity came the realization that as long as I kept that "ME, ME, ME" wall up, I wouldn't have to deal with the fear, the uncertainty and the jealousy that is deep down in the depths of my heart. These three words freak me out beyond any imagination.
I had the letter H. Holy, heartwarming, and hungry... my three words to describe God. The prayer started with A...B...C... and continued on. I did my part and said my H words. Then as we got closer to the end, I began to agree with the words the other ladies used to describe Him. Magnificent...Praise-worthy... By the time we reached Z, I was feeling it a little bit. I began to pray for God to open my heart and use this time as a time of praise and worship...I asked him to help me sort through my feelings and break down the "ME" wall.
He must have been listening because he did just that. Holly had a song to play after we were done with the ABC pray. I am all about music, and I use music and lyrics for prayer time like others use scripture or read a devotional. Music is the medium that I prefer to use when worshipping and dealing with things that God has laid upon my heart. As I sat and listened to the words I felt the tears well up inside of me...
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow...
All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my side
High above my life
I will trust in you alone
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you
Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for you alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in you alone, in you alone
In you there's life everlasting
In you there's freedom for my soul
In you there joy, unending joy
and I will follow
Friends, imagine this for second. In a room of about 15 women, you can hear the sniffling and almost blubbering of a run down and broken 28 year old. I am not one to cry in front of people. I will barely vocalize my dislike of something unless I am extremely passionate about it, unless you are a close friend. In fact, this blog has proven itself as a very valuable tool in my communication skills. As the song continued, God broke the wall down and left me feeling naked and exposed. It was the most uncomfortable, yet freeing feeling I have ever felt.
I have had some break thru's before. I have had moments where I was the kicking and screaming 2 year old and God had his arms around mine, letting me have my tantrum but standing firm in me doing what He wanted. This is the first time where I felt so physically broken and exposed. I walked out of the room and gained my composure. A few of the ladies at my table and my sweet friend sitting at another table gave my smiles as I came back. No one asked me to talk, which I was so thankful for. God had opened my eyes and I intently listened to the rest of the Bible Study. Every bible verse, quote and question seemed to be directly asked to me.
We talked about jealousy. Oh... jealousy... the green eyed monster. We talked about Leah and Rachel and how Leah wanted to make the path for her. She gave Jacob what she thought would make him love her. She gave him children, yet Jacob's heart was only for Rachel. " Oh man", I thought as I fought back tears, "when God wants to send a message, he sends it loud and clear". I realized that no matter what I did... dating, teaching, being a student, being the director for Kaleo, being a daughter, sister, aunt, (insert the many other hats I wear), I needed to do it for GOD... for he is the ONE that matters, not for the recognition or pats on the back.
I made some realizations that foggy Monday night...
One, I have so many more idols than just facebook.
I have identity, or rather the feeling of the lack of one, as an idol.
I have some people as an idol. I never thought that would happen... all of the examples that have been given in the area of people as idols have been husbands or good friends. "Well" I thought to myself, "I have no husband, and I am blessed to have friends that show failure, so I would never have an opportunity to put someone up on that pedestal." Yeah... about that one... God quickly showed me who I had put up on the pedestal and how quickly he needed to be dethroned.
I have waiting as an idol. Waiting for that perfect guy, waiting for the perfect teaching job, waiting, waiting, waiting.
I want (unknowingly to me until a few months ago) people to think that I have it all together. Show no weakness, show nothing that will make you different. I know exactly where that mentality comes from. A childhood event and fear that was never dealt with, but that is a whole other chapter book post :)
I left the night feeling emotionally drained and physically tired, but had a sense of peace about me that I knew would help me sort through all of the thoughts swirling in my brain. Among all the confusion I knew two things for sure.
One- that GOD loved me
Two- that I had an identity. God made no one like me and that I was to love and care for my dear third graders right now. The rest of my path would be lit up when and only when God lit it up.
I wish that I could write about how I have everything figured out and how easy it was/is to get rid of my idols in 5 days. HA! That is a good joke. I am slowly clearing away the pieces of the wall, taking it brick by brick and laying it down at HIS feet.
I have a lot of work to do, a lot of praying to do and a lot of reading to do. I can feel God working in me to be more bold about my walk with HIM. I feel him putting me at peace with the thing that triggered my pity party to begin with. I know that HE wants me where I am, and although I may feel unappreciated and jealous of those who get to sleep late or go out of town all the time, God has a different plan for me.
I wish that I could say I will never have a break down or question God again, but we ALL know I would be lying.
Oh... the other thing I am certain about? I will never intentionally try to skip another bible study again :)
2 comments:
Miranda,
I LOVE YOU. period. I love your openess, your honesty, and your love for the Lord. You've got it, baby. Thanks for the devotional this morning. xoxoxoxox
PS. Let's talk SOON!
Beloved!!!!
I know one thing.... God is absolutely WILD about you! To hear His precious child pour herself out, at His feet, just thrills Him!
My number one prayer is that God will use my obediance (in serving Him) to bless others and ultimately invite them into a deeper relationship with the One and Only! He has done, just that!
Praise God! I know I will see you tonight, because there is no "skipping" in bible study! Ha Ha!
Love you,
Holly
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