I have been talking about doing a marathon, and some 5K's for a while. Although I have participated in a 5K and had all intention of doing the marathon, that is all that it turned out to be...good intentions. My question is, why shouldn't I?? Why shouldn't I be able to run and train for the big goal? Why shouldn't I take charge and get things done? Am I lazy? More than anyone will ever know. Am I scared? Heck yes! Of what? I am actually not sure. All I know is that I am tired of talking about things and not being able to complete it.

Today at church, my dear friend talked about the barren woman. We all are barren women (guys too!) We all stand around, waiting on that "thing", trying to do things about it. Why try tricks and spend all of this energy on something that will come in God's timing? Instead of wasting years on things that will NEVER work, use that energy to do something productful. For me, I am going to run 3 times a week, and get into shape. I am waiting on God to bring me what I desire and I know that when HIS time is right, it will be wonderful! But in the mean time, I am going to work on me. To be happier, less stressed, and more in tune with HIM.

Below is one of my favorite poems. Some of you might know it from a little movie called In Her Shoes. I think this poem is beautiful and wanted to share it with you! Michael Hedges put a tune to the poem. It is a 1990 video of him performing it. Enjoy!

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I am sitting here, at 1:03am wondering why I am writing this instead of finishing up my homework and getting to bed. I have something to say, and can't do anything else till it is off my chest. Since my friends would KILL me if I called any of them right now, dear blog, you are my late night friend, so I confide in you. (wow, i must be loopy, talking to my blog...geez)
I feel run down, and broken. I feel fearful of the future and whether or not I will make it. I feel alone sometimes in this big world. I feel like I am standing still, just waiting, stuck in mud of financial burdens and living up to worldly expectations, not being able to move. I feel the love of family and friends, encouraging me, but maybe not understanding me fully. I feel sadness for the one's I miss and the one's I have driven away. I feel mad at the broken promises and the words I couldn't keep.

However, I see the ray of light, God standing there with his arms open wide, taking away my sickness, fear, loneliness, discontentment, misunderstanding, brokenness, jealousy, and hate. Giving his son up for me, so that I may feel joy for the best friend that eats chocolate chip pancakes with me, love for the family that helps me when times are tough, peace in HIS will, contentment in my place, and patience for the many blessings that lay ahead. I see God waiting with an umbrella to shelter me from the storm. I see the cross, and fall to my knees, gasping for breath while praying. I hear the angels, singing soft hymns of praise in my ear. I feel fatherly arms, covering me with love. I hear the soft whisper of I love you in my ear, letting me know that it is not He that has left. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, ready to face a new day, taking it step by step, minute by minute.

 

During Spring Break, my mom and I had a day to be on our own. One place that we went to was the San Xavier Mission, a working (with monks and everything) mission just south of Tucson. It was amazing!!