This weekend has been a very hard one for me.   The guy I had been talking to and dating for the last 8 months broke up with me.  I do not tell you this for sympathy but it is simply a part of a story that I found awesome.

Last night around 11:30, I finally took time to be by myself and laid in bed, letting emotions wash over me until I fell asleep.  It was something that I needed to get out.  Then today, I was on Facebook and started to talk with my friend Tabitha.  She asked how I was and we talked for about 10 minutes.  In the course of the conversation she told me that she prayed for me last night.  She said that she envisioned me around 11:30, laying in my bed crying my little heart out. It made her sad and so she started to pray for me.  I couldn't believe it!  God had placed me in her heart, knowing that I was hurting.  She stood in the gap for me.  I love moments like these!  I love my faith and I love my supportive friends and families.  Oh, and I LOVE GOD!

Dear God,
Thank you for being my father in heaven. I am thankful for the men that you placed in my life. My earthly father(s), brothers, uncles and friends. What an incredible bunch of Godly men. Thank you for the life you have blessed me with and the time that I was able to spend with my grandfather. Thank you for the gift of friendship with my best friend and the incredible impact she has had on my life. Thank you for the two most wonderful "sisters" and the love and devotion they have for you and my brothers. I believe (although I might be bias) that I have the two best brothers that anyone could ask for. One's love and devotion to you is inspiring and the other one has love just as strong although he may not be as open about it.
Thank you for a strong mother that has my best interest at heart. We may not see eye to eye, but I would not be who I am without her.
Thank you for the gift of music and the ability to glorify You with it. It is exciting to be able to perform a piece of music and hear it go through the rafters and into the heavens.
Thank you for the ability to draw and to use this gift to show my faith. It is wonderful to sit with a piece of paper, listen to music, and just draw. It almost always ends up being some sort of symbol of my faith.
Thank you for my passion of teaching children. They are the future of this world, and I am honored that You have allowed me to be able to work with them. I know that through them, I am able to change the place where I live.
Thank you for all of my hardships. Without these, I would not be who I am. I would have never become the strong, independent woman that I am today. Without the trials, I would not have come to realize what an important part of my life you and your love is.
Thank you for the opportunity to attend such a wonderful school and receive and education that will be vital to me continuing what you have planned for me.
Thank you for loving me so much that you have provided for me through everything. You know my heart and know what is best for me, even when I may not see it. You know which path I am to walk down and who I am to meet. You know where I will go and what I am to do. You love with out conditions and will never fail me.
Thank you~
Your Loving Daughter

I have decided to make an effort to be incredibly honest on this blog, to the point of humiliation and embarrassment to myself. I promise not to embarrass anyone else but myself, and will NEVER put someone down or single them out. I feel however that some of the things that I am going through may be able to help others in my situation, as embarrassing as it may be. I firmly believe that everything that is happening in my life has or will happen to someone else. As a Christian, single girl, it is important for us to stick together and support each other, through the good, bad and ugly :)

I have been going through a lot of woe is me time. Woe is me that my grandfather died, and woe is me that I am one of the only ones of my friends/family without a special someone. Woe is me that I have not graduated yet and woe is me that I still live at home. Are all these things bad? No! Are they things that bother me no matter what others say? YES! But all of these things are not major issues...they all have a common thread. They all have to deal with the fact that I want something to come easy to me, for once in my life. It is hard being the one that sits back and waits...seeing everyone else get married, receive that dream job or apartment. It is hard to answer the questions at family gatherings and friends' parties. It is frustrating to think that something is going one way, and then realizing that in a second, they are going another. It is hard to be "just a friend".
Does this mean that I should throw a temper tantrum and curl in a ball? I wish...but I keep trudging along. Sitting through class and doing my best on everything; going on many first dates, or no dates at all. Keeping the peace with my parents until graduation day and I can finally move. I realize that in my heart is where I keep the things that are vital to my existence... God, my family (no matter how much they drive me crazy) and my hopes and dreams.
Why is it that when a friend is going through a trial, we give advice. I catch myself telling people what I would do, or that they should do this... Can't someone just tell me.."you know, that sucks, and I am so sorry that you are going through this" I realize that you are glad that you aren't dating anymore. I know that God has that someone special for me and that it is His timing, not mine. I know that my grandfather is looking down at me and watching over me. I know to keep God in the middle of everything. I also realize that all of these fears are normal and many people have them.

Yet, I enjoy hearing the stories of those that are past this stage in their life. It is comforting to know that it sucked for them as well, but that they made it through. It is almost like those chick flick movies where the girl always ends up with her true love, no matter what obstacles she goes through. It gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling.

God has given me a lot of trials this past year. Some big (the passing of my grandfather), some small (singing a solo in church), and some medium sized (getting through the semester of school) He has pulled me through all of them and I am still standing, still kicking. So I continue to stay strong, to be a friend, help my best friend plan her incredible wedding, and to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ. Will I make it? Yes. Will it be easy? No. But if God made it easy for me then why would I need to lean on Him? Why would I constantly pray to Him about things?

Today was an amazing day. Everywhere I went, whatever I watched, and whoever talked to me had something to say to me. I have been sad lately due to my grandfather not being around. It is so hard to not be able to see him, but I keep thinking that he will be sitting in his chair "watching" (with his eyes closed) TV.
I did not have that unusual of a day, just things that are ordinary seemed out of the ordinary for me.
First, I picked up a book at Target last night for me to read at work. I know, reading, how off task. In my defense, I subbed at a preschool for the receptionist and not much happens on Fridays. Anyways, I started reading The Wednesday Letters. It is a sweet book about a family that loses their mother and father at the same time. The book is based around letters that the father wrote to the mother every WEDNESDAY!! The children (all grown) find the letters and read them to discover some secrets that their parents had, but more importantly, an amazing love the father had for his wife and children. This book got to me a little because it reminded me of Bappaw and Granny.
Second, I went to lunch with a friend. He let me talk about my grandfather and having gone through the same thing not long ago, he had good things to say about the process and that it would get easier. I also, during lunch, realized that being sad was okay, and that it is all part of the process.
Last, I worked tonight for two super sweet little boys. I let them watch Evan Almighty. I have seen the movie a couple of times but had never really listened to some of the lines. During one scene, God (Morgan Freeman) asks Evan (Steve Correl) God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?
I ask God for a lot of things and can be very quick to think that he doesn't answer me. Today, however, I had to think about whether or not God has been showing me opportunities for peace, guidance, and love. Am I just not taking them? Am I looking to much at me and what I want... and not enough to God?

After putting the boys to bed, I watched a movie on the Hallmark Channel. I am a sucker for any holiday movie that comes on this channel. I will sit, watch, and cry. I love them! The one that I saw was called the Christmas Visitor. The main characters were struggling with the death of their son in the Gulf War. They put everything on hold and was so wrapped up in grief that they would not celebrate Christmas. Of course, like all the movies on Hallmark, it had a happy ending.
Seeing this movie also made me think about my sadness and my dwelling on the fact that my grandfather won't see me graduate or get married. I know in my head that he will, and in my heart too, I just am not able to grasp the idea yet. It will come, and I have to give myself time...and be patient. God is definently giving me opportunities to practice patience!